Title: Nothing Funny
Author: Meesh
Feedback address: meeshy_ickle@yahoo.co.uk
Date in Calendar: 22 December 2005
Fandom: Stargate SG-1
Pairing: Sam/Janet
Rating: PG-13 (Mature)
Category: AU, Fluff on a fluffstick!
Summary: There was nothing funny about that night.
Content Warnings: Femslash
Spoilers: 2010.
Advertisement: Part of the FSAC:DW05

Disclaimer: All the characters you recognise are MGM’s. The rest is mine.

Authors Notes: For Wendy and T: you believe in me when I don’t believe in myself, thank you xx.

Nothing Funny by Meesh


She knows she should feel regret for what she’s done, but it fails to touch her. Her last words swill through her mind, “I need you to take this iris remote and change it with the one on the president's desk without getting caught. And bring the other one back to my lab. I need you to do this first thing tomorrow.” She should feel regretful, or something, she should feel bad at least. But his protests come back to her, he wanted to do nothing. Joe sat back and knowingly let the Aschen attempt to wipe out humanity. It was in that moment that Sam realized how wrong about him she had been.

He knew about everything. Worse than that, he was willing to accept it. To take their fate lying down. She remembers his protests at her request, eventually he had backed down. Her front faded and the hurt began to bleed through the mask. Joe’s attempts to console her and his promises fell on deaf ears.

She left while he was in the bathroom; no destination in mind, only knowing if she didn’t leave Joe that instant she’d end up in a screaming match with him over the anti-aging vaccine all over again. In a few hasty moments her Indian motorcycle was pulled out from under its dust covers, where Joe had insisted it be kept to “keep it safe”. Sam snorted angrily. She knew he hated her riding the bike as much as she loved it.


“What happened?” Janet pulled off her coat and hoisted herself onto the empty bar stool beside the other woman.

“He knew.” Sam spat bitterly, tears rolling freely down her cheeks.

Janet stared, “You don’t mean…”

“Yes. Every time we went to the Aschen doctors, every time we talked about trying again. Each and every time I cried in his arms, he knew that they were doing it. They were limiting our growth. Killing off the human race! Not once did he say anything about it! He had the balls to remind me that I kept secrets when I was working at the SGC!” Sam made a growling noise in her throat, taking a swig of her drink. “It was different then. We were saving the world for gods’ sake! What they’ve done is as good as murder! He’s killed the human race!” Sam’s anger bubbled dangerously inside her.


The night was growing late; the bar had long since emptied. The music from the jukebox had long since silenced. Sam pulled her coat on and headed for the door. Janet pulled her own coat on before following Sam towards the exit. The women left the restaurant in silence, neither one knowing what to say. Sam pulled her coat tightly around her, trying to ignore the biting cold wind that whipped up around her. She dug her hands deep into her pockets and shortened her steps, letting Janet catch up.

Janet simply looked at her, her smoky brown eyes conveying every emotion that Sam herself was feeling. The memory of the day flashed through her mind, as did the gut wrenching fear and uncertainty they shared for the events that would follow.

The celebrations had started off so well, with old friends gathered together. They remembered how life used to be, and celebrated the technological advances and the wealth of knowledge that the Aschen had brought them.

Sam flicked her eyes sideways, glancing at Janet. Janet had her head down, hands stuffed into her pockets and collar of her jacket pulled up to her ears. Sam opened her mouth to speak but found no words that could even begin to cover the multitude of thoughts that were racing through her head.

“Think about it, Sam. We've all taken the anti-ageing vaccine and the anticancer vaccine…and now the Aschen have these medical machines that can reverse tissue damage and mend broken bones…I mean, where does that leave me?”

The rejection and hurt had been audible. The one thing that Sam knew about Janet was how much she valued her job, career and the abilities it had given her. Back on Earth a decade ago, before the Aschen, all the applicants to medical school reeled off the same answer that they wanted to help people in their interviews. Sam knew Janet had probably said exactly the same words when she went into medicine but Sam knew that the woman truly wanted to help. She was never one of the doctors who simply wanted to earn a wage, or were pushed into the medical career. Janet always cared about people. Adopting an orphaned teenager was a testament to that.

“Where’s the nearest terminal?” Janet asked, her voice cutting through the atmosphere like a knife.

“There’s one at the end of the street.” Sam replied, trying to keep the edge out of her voice.

Janet knew full well where the terminal was however she wanted to break the foreboding tension that had wrapped itself around them, suffocating them. The friends who had so easily shared conversation in the past found themselves stumbling over what to say. The mundane day to day conversation seemed inappropriate and ridiculous given the enormity of the task that lay ahead.

After a beat Sam pushed the fear deep inside her and attempted to make conversation.

“I guess after tomorrow, being infertile is the least of my problems….”


“Either tomorrow we succeed, and in a new timeline, we won’t meet the Aschen at all, or we fail and die trying.” Sam smiled nervously.

“While I’m somewhere safe on Chulak.”

“It won’t matter. If we succeed. Everything will be as if it never happened.”

“Unless you don’t.”

“We won’t fail, Janet.”

Janet stopped walking, “Can you honestly promise me that you will succeed? That nothing can go wrong!? Because I’m going to be a thousand miles away…”

“Slightly more than that….”

“Sam, I’m serious!” Her brown eyes brimmed with imminent tears.


“I’m going to be off world, and you guys might not succeed. I couldn't live with myself if something happens to you while I'm safe and far away."

“We all know the risks Janet. Daniel, Teal’c and me. We know what’s involved. We have to do this.”

Janet nodded sadly. “I know, it still hurts though. I can’t help feeling I want to be there… I know I can’t make sure you don’t fail but…”

“How did you ever cope being stuck in the SGC when we went on missions?” Sam laughed.

“I made Colonel O’Neill promise to get you back here in one piece or I’d do every test possible involving needles!”

Sam’s eyes widened in horror, “You didn’t!”

Janet nodded emphatically.

Sam shook her head in amazement, “There I was thinking the Colonel actually gave a damn about me, and it was your fault all along!”

A sheepish look crossed Janet’s face “Sorry!”

They walked the last few meters to the terminal in silence. When they arrived they were unsurprised to find the area deserted.

“So as the world ends tomorrow, what do you want to do tonight?” Sam asked.

“Don’t we have to meet early at the lab?”

“Oh come on Janet, this is our last chance to do anything without repercussions!”

“Well there is something….” Janet mumbled.


Janet hesitated for a moment, stealing a glance around her anxiously before reaching out and kissing Sam chastely on the lips. As the brunette begins to pull away she found Sam’s hands holding her tighter, pulling her back into the embrace, the kiss deepening and growing more passionate.

After a few moments Sam finally broke the kiss. Janet stared up at her, eyes wide and unblinking.

“Uh…. Wow?!” Janet, the normally unflappable doctor, was momentarily lost for words.

“I guess I never told you how hard it was leaving you on missions huh?”


“Well, we have the rest of the evening… how about we go to your place?”

“You want to? I mean, you, wow….”

Sam laughed. “Janet, I think this is the first time I’ve ever heard you speechless!”

“It's not funny,” Janet complained with a pout.

"Yes, it is."

"It's the end of the world and you just kissed me. There's nothing funny about it."

"No. I guess you're right," Sam breathed in reply, as she dipped her head to kiss her friend again.

There was nothing funny about the rest of the night, either.