Title: F.A.G. Super Elite Femslash Crack Force - Operation: Dog Days of Summer 2008
Author: Geekgrrllurking
Feedback address: geekgrrl.lurking@gmail.com
Date in Calendar: 22 June 2008
Fandom: Multi Fandom, Spoof
Pairing:
Rating: G
Summary: In a time of heartless Network executives, dismal storylines and shocking season finales, fangirls in turmoil cried out for heroes…or at the very least some darn good femslash to ease the pain through the dog days of summer!
Advertisement: Part of the FSAC:DD08
Archive: ShatterStorm & Passion & Perfection, all others just ask.

Disclaimer: Everybody else owns them but me. No infringement intended. All credit must go to Ralst over at passion_perfection for the original concept of the Femslash Advocacy Group (F.A.G.) and the characterizations. I’ve only borrowed a few elite members of the group to play with.

Note: Written for the ShatterStorm Productions Femslash Advent Calendar: Dog Days of Summer 2008. Thanks again for letting me play ladies.

Beta: Thank you, as always, to Ms_Josephine. Special thanks to Ardvari, guest beta extraordinaire.

"In a time of heartless Network executives, dismal storylines, and shocking season finales, fangirls in turmoil cried out for heroes...they are the F.A.G. Super Elite Femslash Crack Force, a mighty team forged in the heat of battle and cancellation petitions. The passion...the danger...the hot skin tight black outfits…their courage will change the world."

*****

Four dark figures slipped through the hot summer night, flipping gracefully over the chain link fence before making their way through the backyard toward the silent house. The tallest figure approached the house deck stealthily making her way across the flagstones before moving to the left of the sliding patio door. Catching movement out of the corner of her eye, she raised her hand, clenched in a fist and the others sank to the ground and froze. Flattening against the pale siding she peered inside as a dark grey cat scampered past. Satisfied it was all clear, she nodded and waved the others closer.

“Huntress, get to work.”

Pulling a small velvet pouch from her boot, the lithe brunette rolled it open and chose the appropriate tools. Moving to the sliding door she wiggled a tiny slim metal bar in and started fiddling with the lock.

“Oracle, do you have any confirmation yet about the third occupant?” Leaning gingerly on the deck rail the tall woman tapped at the small receiver hidden in her ear, blue eyes flashing in the moonlight as she watched Huntress work at the door.

“Yes Xena. I’ve been able to hack into the local Naval database and confirm that she is at sea. There should only be the two primary targets in the house.” Oracle quickly tucked a strand of red hair behind her ear, double checking the team’s position through the GPS. Bremerton, Washington wasn’t a very big city but she didn’t want the girls breaking into the wrong abode. She had her reputation to think about and Gabrielle’s wrath if this mission went south.

Xena nodded at Faith and Buffy both of whom she could tell were glad to hear this information as well. No one had been looking forward to dealing with anyone with military training. Huntress glanced up at Xena and smiled as she popped the lock up and the door slid open.

“We’re in.”

******

Oracle looked up from her streaming data as Gabrielle walked past, sweaty and tired from her work out. Dragging her attention from the petite blonde’s perfect abs and back to scanning the Bremerton police radio frequencies for any reports of a break in, she saw her grab a bottle of water from the Clocktower’s fridge and drop down on the couch to once more try to resurrect her laptop.

“It’s dead Gabrielle. Just let it go.”

Gabrielle looked up and sighed, before flopping face first into the couch cushions. “I knew I should have backed up the hard drive Barbara.” A muffled moan rose from the pillows. “I’m such an idiot…”

Oracle just shook her head in sympathy, remembering her own devastating computer crash a few years back. She never could find some of that femslash again...

*****

Slipping through the sunroom, the handpicked alpha team of the F.A.G. Super Elite Femslash Crack Force entered the dim basement with little fanfare. Only the gentle gurgle of the bubble filters from the fish tanks broke the silence. Giving the signal to secure the room the team spread out as Xena found the switch in the adjoining bathroom and flicked it on to give them some sort of meager lighting. A dark tabby cat streaked past her feet, tail curled against his back, startling her as he disappeared under one of the desks in the room.

“Hey, look at this fish!” Buffy whispered staring into a tank by the door. “It looks like it swallowed a marble!”

Faith appeared beside her and tapped the glass. A very pregnant silver fish with black spots floated closer peering back at the stranger. “It’s a Lyretail Dalmatian Molly. She’s cute.”

Buffy stared at the other slayer. “You know this, how?”

Faith shrugged, tugged at her leather jacket and twirled a pointy wooden stake between her fingers. “I like fish, ok. I studied them a bit in the joint. My shrink said they can be soothing to watch when you’re, like stressed, y’know.”

Buffy smiled softly at the other girl as she continued to fidget and turn slightly pink. Taking pity, she turned back to the tank watching the plump fish suddenly swimming quickly around the tank. “Hmm, I’m thinking a fish tank might look nice in our place…hey, is it supposed to be squirting little fish out of its butt like that? Ew, gross!”

*****

“How’s the mission going?” Gabrielle sat up and pushed the laptop away in disgust.

“The team is in position and discussing fish.” Oracle said absently as she leaned closer to one of her monitors.

Gabrielle blinked and wisely didn’t ask questions.

Oracle verified an unusual reading and flicked open the com channel. “Xena, we have a power surge happening in the house.”

*****

Xena turned off the light in the small bathroom sending the basement once more into darkness. Staying low she followed a similar route the tabby cat had taken and headed for the computer desks. The rest of the team froze where they were in the room trying to blend in with the various items being stored there.

Footsteps could clearly be heard from above. Xena crouched beside one of the desks, poised to strike at a moments notice focusing her concentration, trying to pick up any signals of approaching danger. Suddenly hopping onto the chair beside her was the dark gray cat from the sunroom. He stared at Xena a moment, before turning to show her his lovely backside, his fluffy tail lazily drifting across her face, tickling her nose.

Huntress, lurking behind the other chair by the desk, covered her mouth to stop the laughter. Xena glared at her and then at the cat, who had now turned back to rub his face against her shoulder.

“Mrrrrreow?”

Somewhere a toilet flushed.

*****

“Sorry, false alarm. Energy readings are returning to normal.” Oracle punched a few keys to compare and analyze the power usage rates. She switched off her mike and looked over to a relieved Gabrielle.

“I knew I should have just submitted my story for the FemSlash Advent Calendar the other night like I had planned, then none of this would have been needed. But, no, I had to put that final polish on it, didn’t I…” Gabrielle ran a hand through her hair, frustrated with herself.

“Well, it is a good practice exercise for the Alpha team.” Oracle smiled in sympathy before turning back to the blinking monitor.

*****

“Gods damned laptop and its blue screen of death.” Xena muttered to herself while pulling some cat hair from her mouth. She was almost certain that Ares had something to do with the fatal exception error and vicious Trojan virus that had taken down Gabrielle’s hard drive and started all this. Thank the gods Gabrielle still had the hard copy of her story or there would have been no living with her. As it was the moaning about potentially being banned from future competitions was bad enough.

Popping open the small leather pouch at her waist Xena pulled out the crisp scroll Gabrielle had entrusted to her care. Choosing the computer desk closest to the stairs, she placed it carefully on the black keyboard and stepped back. “Oracle, time?”

“11:58 PM Pacific Standard Time, Sunday June 1, 2008.” Her proud voice crackled into their ears.

Xena smiled, satisfied. “Perfect. Please inform the Queen that…”

Suddenly, a large black and white cat scampered down the stairs past Faith, who had been hiding beside a large cabinet. The cat froze, terrified of the strangers suddenly in her midst. Obviously rattled and unsure of her best course of action, she crouched and as if sensing a kindred spirit in Huntress, leapt gracefully into the safety of her arms.

Surprised, Huntress backed into Faith, both losing their footing and crashing backwards into the cabinet. Sprawled over the groaning slayer, Huntress hugged her new found purring friend and looked up at the tottering vases of flowers above the cabinet, the last vase tipping precariously close to the edge.

With precision reflexes, Xena’s chakram sparked out of its holster as she grabbed it and sent it flying into the darkness. Bouncing off the dvd shelf by the TV set, the spinning chakram next ricocheted off a small sink between the fish tanks, past Buffy’s head as she dove for cover, off the top of a monitor to angle up and tap the bottom of the vase stopping it from falling. Losing its momentum, the chakram fell back towards Xena, who handily snatched it from the air, spinning it a few times on her finger before dropping it back into its holster.

Xena snapped her fingers once at the fluffy bundle at the top of the pile on the floor. The jittery cat scrambled out of Huntress’ arms and skulked back up the stairs. Xena glared at her young team as they gingerly picked themselves up. More training was obviously in order. Not that Gabrielle needed to know this however.

“Xena? You cut out there for a second. Everything ok?” Oracle’s concerned voice came though their headsets making them all feel even worse for making her worry.

“We’re good here Oracle. Please inform the Queen that our mission has been successful.” Xena shook her head and pointed to the door as the team headed back out to the sunroom.

*****

Oracle turned to find a relieved Gabrielle standing beside her. Picking up the spare headset she handed it to the Amazon so she could respond herself.

“Well done Alpha Team. Please move on to the secondary location. I will rendezvous with you at the appointed time.”

Hanging up her headset and moving out of the way so Oracle could once more work in peace, Gabrielle twisted the cap off her bottle of water and took a long drink before heading to her room feeling better about the whole situation. She may have lost her database of bards in the crash, but perhaps Willow could magically recover it for her. Regardless, she would rebuild it with time and eventually woo these two bards running the competition to her cause as well, adding their formidable cache of femslash to her disposal. After all, resistance is futile.

In the meantime she had packing to do and a flight leaving New Gotham for Seattle to catch. Two new recruits to the Femslash Advocacy Group were waiting to be inducted; a rare maintext canon couple certainly required Gabrielle’s personal welcome. And they were doctors at Seattle Grace Hospital no less, much more use to the team than sneaky lawyers any day…

*****

Leo, Stasia and Gabe stared out the sliding patio door, tails swishing in fascination as they watched the retreating figures dashing across the backyard. This was the most fun they’d had in ages. As their new friends disappeared over the chain link fence, they turned and headed for their bowls. Certainly a snack and a good clean was in order after effectively protecting their moms from certain harm.