Title: Winter
Author: KanDo
Feedback address: kandonething@verizon.net
Date in Calendar: 29 May 2005
Fandom: CSI
Pairing: Sara, hints of Sara/Gil & Sara/Catherine
Rating: PG13
Summary: Sara's thoughts in the aftermath of getting caught on a DUI.
Spoilers: Season 4, "Bloodlines"
Advertisement: Part of the FSAC DD05

Disclaimer: "CSI: Crime Scene Investigators," the characters, and situations depicted are the property of Jerry Bruckheimer Television, Alliance Atlantis, and CBS Productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes. Previously unrecognized characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. This site is in no way affiliated with "CSI: Crime Scene Investigators," CBS, or any representatives of Jorja Fox.

What have I done? What was I thinking? Was I even thinking at all?

He'll probably blame himself for this. For my mistake. It's not his fault. It's mine.

This case just hit too close to home. Cath's mad at me for leaving her to question that poor woman alone. I couldn't witness someone going through that again. The questions, the accusations, there's too many bad memories running around in my head to deal with it.

My hands are shaking, I'm not me. I looked into the mirror of the squad car and I couldn't recognize the woman staring back at me. When did I start the drinking? When did I start losing the control over who I am?

When did I lose myself? Why do I feel so cold? What's happening?

He sees my pattern of work, work, work as a problem. What about himself? When he questioned me about how much vacation time I had, it didn't even phase him when I said ten weeks. He's just like me. Work's all he can think of—he didn't even answer me truthfully when I asked him about his taking a break.

It seems to me that he shouldn't question me about such things when he's the same way.

I sit here now, waiting for him to come and admonish me. He's going to tell me that I shouldn't have done such a thing. Sometimes, I admire the man for his bulldoggish determination to find the answers to the unsolved mysteries of a case. He can't see that I have only followed in his footsteps.

He's the role model of who I want to be, what I should live up to in my work. He's the reason that I have stayed, working here in Vegas. Hell, he's the only reason that I'm still working in the public field.

He doesn't know if I could walk away from all this. And truth be told, I don't think that I ever could leave. I have tried, thought about it, even threatened to actually leave. But he keeps me here… Why?

Startled by a hand on my shoulder, I am pulled from my little world, and I turn to see that he's there. He's here to question to me.

I can't hear a thing as he begins to question me. The words are just a buzzing in my ears, and I can't even force myself to look at his face. I don't want to face his looks of sympathy, of concern. I didn't ask for him to come here. I didn't ask to be let off from the charges of what I've done. Why is he here?

"Sara. Why aren't you listening to me? I'm concerned about you. When are you going to make up your mind? When are you going to love yourself as much as I do?"

His last words break through my haze and make me look at him. His face is a portrait of concern, caring, and a hint of what he's been feeling and trying to tell me.

And I can't tell him what I'm thinking. What would he think when I tell him that right now, I don't even know who I am? That I am not ready to say anything to anyone about how this case made me feel, to say what the disappointment over the promotion has done to me, or the fact that I have fallen for a co-worker. And it's co-worker that no one would ever suspect me of falling for.

I doubt that she even suspects anything and it's getting harder and harder to live through each day having to hide away what I feel for her.

"I need some time." Is the only thing I can say to his expectant expression.

I retreat to the place where I've locked myself, the place where I can't feel anything anymore. Winter has settled deep into my heart and I don't know how to face what's ahead of me.